Mental Illness and Masculinity Are Not Synonymous: Debunking the Myth Behind Black Male Mental Health
Karen and Miles from Married At First Sight on their wedding day. Credit: Bossip
I’ve become a tried and true fanatic of the Lifetime reality show series Married At First Sight over these past couple months. Binge-watching MAFS has kept me entertained at best in quarantine during the nationwide pandemic. MAFS documents multiple singles in various cities across America who participate in an unconventional way of tying the knot, the pairs meet each other for the first time when they walk down the aisle together. Prior to meeting face-to-face at the aisle, all the singles are required to fill out a detailed questionnaire explaining who they are, their core values and beliefs, along with what they desire their mate of the opposite sex to have.
Based on their answers from the questionnaire and separate one-on-one interviews, a team of experts which include Pastor and Relationship Coach Calvin Roberson, Dr. Pepper Schwartz, Professor of Sociology, and Dr. Viviana Cole, Doctor of Marriage and Family Therapy, diligently work together to properly match each of the singles up with the right partner. Once all three experts come to a decision on who the matches are, one of the three will then visit all the singles in person to tell them they will marry at first sight in two weeks!
Typically, the visits go well, and the singles are excited about meeting their new husband or wife on the wedding day. Usually, their family and friends are the ones apprehensive about the experience. Many of them question if they’re making the right decision since they’ve never met their soon-to-be spouse and they are apprehensive about whether their new mate is the perfect match for them.
MAFS’s current season 11 is no different from previous seasons. Like its predecessors, it maintains the same formula on how the show is chronicled. With every new season comes new cities, new singles, and new storylines. *Spoiler Alert Last week’s episode had many viewers shaking their heads at one of the wives, Karen. 30-year-old Karen is the wife of 26-year-old Miles. It’s safe to say since Karen was accidentally sent a text with Miles name on their wedding day and after browsing through his social media finding numerous videos of him openly displaying his emotions, she hasn’t been too fond of him and his vulnerability.
Throughout their journey thus far, Miles has made it very clear how comfortable and secure he feels with Karen. Due to his level of comfort with his new wife, he mustered the courage to tell Karen he suffers from clinical depression during their honeymoon. According to Miles, he was clinically diagnosed with depression a couple of years ago. Since marriage is no longer just about him, he felt it was appropriate to discuss his battle with the mental illness so she’s aware and can be supportive throughout the process.
Karen’s overall reaction came off as very cold and judgmental. Instead of showing empathy, she immediately jumped to attack mode in her confessional interview and labeled Miles as less masculine because of his consistent emotional outpouring. What Karen said was extremely insensitive to say or even think. That’s the problem now. Black men in America endure more hurt and pain than any other race of men in this country. They’re killed daily at an alarming rate by the hands of police officers. In Corporate America the pay disparity is apparent as they are paid far less than their white male counterparts. Many Black men are currently incarcerated for being wrongfully accused or receive maximum prison sentences for the same crimes their white counterparts commit. On top of that, they’re told strength is masking their feelings and to never let anyone see them sweat.
But even the strong break sometimes. Who wouldn’t fold with all that pressure on weighing on them? Black men, your mental health matters, and your adversity don’t make you less of a man. Let’s change the narrative and instead provide alternative methods to help Black men battling depression and all other mental illnesses cope. Check out my list of six tips below from a Black woman’s perspective to help you navigate through the pandemic and your daily mind battles. *Disclaimer* I am not a mental health professional. These suggestions are my own opinions.
Seek a Therapist
Along with racial disparities and other societal issues, many Black men have trauma from their past whether it be from childhood, past romantic relationships, and self. Sharing information regarding certain subjects can be challenging. Many Black men feel like they’re family and friends won’t understand, which leads to them holding everything in. Therapy is a helpful option that can help with that. The first step is recognizing there is a problem. The next step is doing your research and finding the right professional who will properly assess your needs. A good place to start is the Therapy for Black Men database.
Take a Walk
Depending on where you live, some businesses are still unopen to the public. Being in quarantine has been challenging for many to deal with. So many people are used to living active lives and being on-the-go, but COVID-19 has completely shifted that around. While many businesses are closed, the parks are however still open. Catch a breeze, get some fresh air, and let your mind wander. You deserve to be in an environment that’s calming and comforting. Yes, we’re in the middle of a pandemic, but who says you can’t enjoy the nice outdoors to maintain a peaceful state of mind.
Write/Journal
Writing can be very freeing and liberating. It allows you to tap into your creative outlet and really let the juices flow. You never know where a piece will take you. It could potentially be the greatest escape especially for your mental. You don’t have to be a New York Times-Best Selling Author neither do you have to be J. Cole when it comes to the pen game. Express yourself as transparently as you’d like, and you’ll be surprised what you end up with. Even if you don’t construct a creative piece, you can at least vent and place your emotions on paper. Try it out and reflect on what you wrote!
Affirmations
Affirmations aren’t just for women; men can utilize them as well. Manifestation is trendy nowadays and one of the things that makes it successful is by speaking positively and pouring into yourself. You could be struggling with insecurities, you may have suffered a job loss, maybe you lost a close family member recently, you could be experiencing so many roadblocks, but one thing that can help you stay the course is affirmations. Believing that better days are ahead will help you become more relaxed. No, every day isn’t easy, but if you look at the bigger picture and trust the process you will be well on your way to becoming more mentally fed and healthy.
Prayer/Meditation
Spirituality and religion make a difference in numerous lives. Your faith in a higher power or being could be the very thing to help you with your healing journey. Reading the Bible and getting in tune with scripture can allow you to apply those same biblical scriptures to your life. Another option to check out is daily devotionals on the Bible app. Anything you’re struggling with is likely to be on the app and you can use the devotional as a tool to help you overcome any mind battles, you’re facing. Sermons on YouTube from different pastors could also be helpful in your healing journey. Hearing the right sermon could be that very thing to guide you through everything you’re experiencing. Like prayer, meditation is a method to help balance out any anxiety and all other illnesses.
Music
As a universal language of the world, music has a way of speaking to people like no other. Production may play a key role in how the song is structured, but a lot of times the lyrics make or break a song. The right lyrics can speak to you as if it was pulled out from a page in your diary. Certain songs can take your mind off your current situation or maybe you’re interested in listening to music that solely speaks to your current situation. Whichever you choose, you can never really go wrong with music. It’s good for the soul and therapeutic in many ways. There’s literally music out there for every emotion you’re experiencing when you’re sad, mad, depressed, etc. Create a playlist ideal with leading you through your self-reflection and mind maintenance.
Mental health is very much real and shouldn’t be taken lightly at all. Your mental state impacts all attached to your inner self. Never be afraid to speak out and tell your truth. When you’re honest about what you’re experiencing it only makes you stronger, not weaker. A real man is comfortable with sharing his struggles and the right team of people will support him throughout the journey.